


All The Things You Can Do

by Kayryn



Category: Holby City
Genre: Canon Compliant, Episode Related, Episode addition to 19.14 Aces High, F/F, angst and pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 12:12:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13030860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kayryn/pseuds/Kayryn
Summary: There’s a need in Bernie to do more, to make Serena feel better, to fix this, but there is no fixing this.





	All The Things You Can Do

**Author's Note:**

> The Holby episodes in my country have progressed to the point that Elinor died this week. This had been in my drafts for a while and watching Holby episodes these past few days gave me the need to get this out, and my general mood this week made this even more angst filled than it was intended to. 
> 
> Special thanks to Regency for being such an amazing cheerleader and friend.

Bernie leaves Jason’s room, closes the door quietly while balancing a tray on one hand. He’s asleep now, finally. He’s mostly spent his time in bed, resting, having been released from the hospital the day before for Elinor’s funeral.

Bernie closes her eyes for a moment. Grief fills the house. It’s a heavy blanket that has been placed on them all and there’s no escaping its suffocating weight. She looks to the right, the end of the small hallway. Serena’s in her bedroom, behind another closed door. When Bernie was last in the room a few hours ago, Serena had asked to be left alone and Bernie has been giving her her space. There’s a need in Bernie to do more, to make Serena feel better, to _fix this_ , but there is no fixing this. There’s nothing for Bernie to do but to be there, in whatever capacity she can, to take care of the practical things. Accept the flowers that are still being delivered to the house, pile the cards that keep coming. Make sure they all eat.

Once in the kitchen Bernie looks at the plate on the tray and sighs; Jason had only eaten about half of what she’d portioned out for him. She bins the rest of it and washes his plate, and her own, by hand. With just three of them eating - though none of them can manage much, Serena least of all, Bernie has to practically force her to eat at least a little something - and with the fridge and freezer brimming with food, there’s no cooking to be done, therefore not much washing up to do. It’s a mindless task, and quickly done, leaving her thoughts invariably to go to Serena. She leans against the sink, head bowed. She can hear Serena crying, even when she’s not. The silence in the house only makes it louder.

Bernie grabs her ecig and and steps out to the patio, escaping the house for a moment. She has the insistent compulsion to bolt, to run to be able to breathe, but she won’t. It’s her turn to be the port in the storm and the sea is raging.

After a few minutes outside Bernie has to concede to the cold January weather. She debates whether to check on Serena or not, eventually deciding it’s probably time. She knocks on the door quietly but hears nothing. Expecting Serena to be asleep she hesitates for a moment before opening the door, stepping inside the room.

Serena is under the covers, but her eyes, red and puffy, are open. She won’t meet Bernie’s eyes though.

“There’s soup if you’d like some,” Bernie says. “Jason had some earlier.”

“Maybe later,” is Serena's answer and Bernie nods. It’s the same thing Serena had said a few hours ago. She wants to push Serena to eat more, knows she hadn’t touched her lunch. For the moment Bernie will let it be, but later she’ll have to cajole Serena into eating at least a few bites of something. It’s only been a week since Ellie’s death and and Serena’s already lost a lot of weight.

“Do you mind?” Bernie gestures to the bed and, with Serena shaking her head, sits down. She moves one of the many photo albums on the bed to make room. It’s the one that starts with Ellie’s third birthday and ends with Serena and Ellie’s first trip to Paris when Ellie was just four. Bernie knows this because they’ve looked through all the albums countless times over the last week.

Bernie leans against the headboard, making sure to leave a bit of space between them. She lets her hand rest between them, palm up, in open invitation. She wants to do something to help, knows there’s really nothing she can do to take away the pain. But then Serena turns around and drapes her arm around Bernie’s middle. Bernie draws Serena closer, holds her tight with one arm, gently massaging Serena’s neck and shoulders with the other. At least she can do this, when Serena allows it. She doesn’t always; she curls up on herself and doesn’t want Bernie there at times, just hides under the covers and asks to be left alone. But right now, for now, this closeness is what Serena needs.

Bernie doesn’t know how long they’ve stayed like that, holding each other and being held, when she gets a text from Morven.

“What is it?” Serena asks. She can’t see the message but she can feel Bernie tensing up.

“It’s from Morven,” Bernie says. “Cam’s leaving.”

“What? Where?”

“London, I think? Morven isn’t clear about that.”

“When?” Serena lifts her head a little, to see the message and Bernie obliges by showing it to her.

“Umm...today. After his shift.” Bernie’s confused. Disappointed. Her relationship with her children is strained but she’d thought they’d taken some steps forward over the last weeks. For Cameron to just leave without saying a word, there’s no denying she’s feeling let down. Not by him, but by her own failure to be someone he’d come to with news of this level.

“Has he said nothing?”

Bernie shakes her head. “Not a word.”

At this, Serena sits up, looks at Bernie properly for the first time that day. “Go see him.”

Bernie thinks of the things she needs to do around the house. Thinks of how Jason might need her. Serena certainly. “I can’t.”

“You have to,” Serena insists. “Go.”

The unspoken words of “when you can” ring in their ears. It’s deafening.

Bernie nods, decides to do it more for Serena than herself. She and her children have been apart so much, their relationship very different from the one Serena had with Ellie. But Serena can no longer see her daughter, so Bernie will see her son.

She waits until Cam’s shift is over. She fills the time in between by doing things around the house. She even manages to convince Serena to eat. When it’s time for her to head out, she goes back upstairs to let Serena know.

“Jason will need his next dosage in about half an hour,” Bernie reminds her.

“I’ll make sure he takes them,” Serena promises. “Though I’m sure he’s added it to his schedule.”

Bernie nods; the last week has brought many changes to his carefully timed schedule. He’s accepted them with remarkable flexibility, but it’s made him even more particular about sticking to the schedule he now has. Even a slight deviation from it causes him anxiety. She looks at Serena. “I won’t be for long.”

“I know,” Serena says. “We’ll be fine. Go.”

Bernie turns to leave. Stops when she hears Serena say her name.

“Bernie?” Serena pauses for a moment. Her eyes are brimming with tears again. “Hug him. Tell him you love him.”

Bernie can barely find her voice. “I will. I promise.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any characters, settings, or stories recognizable as being from Holby City. They are the property of their actors, producers, writers, and studios, not me. No copyright infringement was intended and no money was made in the writing or distribution of this story.


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